A woman's response...

Okay, so this morning before work, I check facebook and see that a dear male friend of mine (love ya, Linc!) posted a link to the ever funny, "Rules for Understanding Men."
I'm just gonna blame this one on the hormones--but I had to both respond to his post and make my comments here. The black text obviously is the male thought. The red is what I'll in blanket fashion put, 'from all women'.

(Disclaimer: 99.999% of these situations, Brian doesn't qualify to be in these categories. Which is why I married him. Which is why whoever wrote this, is still single and living with a relative who has adopted too many cats.)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl, if it's up, put it down. We need it up, you don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Actually, we aren't complaining. We're just wondering how your mother kept from suffocating you during your teen years. Really? Have some respect. You peed on it, not us. Wipe it off and put it down. We aren't asking for a floating daisy in the middle of the toilet bowl, boys.
1. Crying is blackmail.
But it works so, so well.....
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
If strong and obvious hints do not work, then just saying it obviously won't be heard. It's taking initiative fellas.
Much like when you've had a bad day and we make your favorite dinner just to be sweet?
We can stop taking those hints too...
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Ok, I'm guilty of this one...I got nothin'. I'll work on it.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
My girlfriends solutions make more sense. Especially because they don't involve physical confrontation or an 'f'-you to the argument. We want you to hug us, and tell us we're right. That's all.
Memorize that scene and save yourself some headache.
1. Anything we said six months ag is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
If it can work for us, we have a right to remember the conversation up to 2 years prior. If it works against you, we can go back to third grade.
It's a law. Google it.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Much like if we think you're hairline is receding?
Here's another tip: If we ask you "Who's fatter? Me or her?"....ALWAYS pick her.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Both will probably happen. It's inevitable. It probably went back to the last comment about telling your girl she's fat. Which will make your next emotion loneliness....that night and every one for the rest of the month.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
That's part of the reason this relationship thing works. We get manicures, and you refuse to. Therefore, anything that could mess up a cuticle is your job. And we are your supervisor. Quit yer yappin and get on it, Bubba.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Deal.
Only same goes for you--during Sunday football.
If we have to watch the damn thing, we'd at least like to hear one commentator. The one wearing makeup with hairplugs, speaking Baptist friendly words without a mouthful of Cheetos.
'Preciate it.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows Default Settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. we have no idea what mauve is.
If you don't comprehend nor can spell the color, then you have no say in what we paint the kitchen.
Hey, we invented the color 'John Deere Green' just so you 'd feel like you fit in. That's a gift. You're welcome.
Just don't paint anything in it.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If you scratch that in front of us, then you'll only have yourself to scratch later. We promise THAT.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If it's not worth the hassle, then don't ask in the first place. Trust me, knowing something is wrong and not asking because you don't care is way worse than just not taking a signal in the first place.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
And I bet the guy at the quickie mart got to know his wife very well too. It's annoying. Learn to ask. It saves US time, and makes you look like you give a damn--specifically a damn on whether or not my hair will go flat from being in a car an extra 2 hours. BUY A MAP.. Oh yeah, P.S.--as a result of not asking directions, Christopher Columbus got his destination wrong...Holla back 4th grade Social Studies!
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
Great. Grannie panties it is. And that 7 year old faded green dress you swore you would cut up will look wonderful in front of all of your friends, really!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you are prepared to discuss NASCAR, football, or golf.
We'll ask. Just don't think we're listening to anything other than our own thoughts...on Lifetime, cooking, or Edward Cullen.
1. You have enough clothes.
Yes, but they don't fit in the sizes I want them to. So I'll keep buying.
1. You have too many shoes.
In too few colors. So we need more.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Which also shares the shape of a basketball. Which we'll throw the hell out if you don't at least acknowledge when we try to change our shape. I'm just sayin.....